If you are looking for Dr. Dre's Detox: 1) I don't blame you, and 2) Go here. Thank You - Management

SO YEAH, IT'S Monday, September 1, 2014

Maintain Momentum

Now that you are King/Queen of Bagels you will have a lot more energy. All those carbs. You can keep a spare for lunch, you'll never have to leave your desk!

Spend lunchtimes plotting world domination instead.

Write scripts for people's responses to your ideas for innovation. Fill the responses with glowing praise and only one single very faint bit of constructive criticism. Distribute the script right before your presentation. If anyone goes off-script in their feedback yell "cut!"

Storm off. Insist that you can't work in these conditions and say you'll be in your trailer.

Go sit in a beanbag chair next to the vending machine and play Nintendo DS for the next 3 hours.

*********

More free time.

You should take up horseback riding.

Try This At Home

Or work. Not with a homey, but with one of those glad-handing motherfuckers in client services. Or annoying ass Bob from planning who always puts the kibosh on your best ideas.

HIM/HER: How are you? 

YOU: Okay, I guess. I've been wondering lately about my place in my community and how I may better serve my fellow man. But every time I try to take stock of my options I feel helpless. How will anyone ever connect if all we do is look at our cell phones and twitter our plans for the weekend, anymore?

Bingo.

They will back away slowly. You now have free run of Monday Morning Free Bagel Breakfast. Enjoy it.

SO YEAH, IT'S Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Worth Looking Into

I'm pretty fuckin fascinated with typos. Sometimes I look forward to them. Sometimes someone will forget to update a word in a sentence and I will learn how they originally saw the thing, what their first thought was before they edited/re-edited/re-re-edited etc.

Or they will use the word they are thinking of instead of the one that fits - it will be a rhyme, usually. And *sometimes* a more acute approach to everything life-related. But that is rare.

So mostly I just read, watch and listen, anymore.

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And at some point you just say "fuck it".

I spend my weekdays surrounded by students from all over the world. Walking down the street I get so wishful, everyone looks like an adventure. But I'm *this* close to resigning myself to a life that contains no German boy with roses on his cheeks and a mouth like a plum. It's a bigger loss than you would think.

Reminder: shake off the habits you have before they have you.

But sometimes in the face of it all I draw blanks. Looking out my window it's row upon row of trees that look sort of grey cause I've got a pocket full of doctor's notes that say when and how I should be medicated.

Non-recreationally: This for that in the morning. That for this at night. In the middle of the day here's a little something to make me remember that I'm a big, bright, shining star. A bi-weekly session where I spill my guts and pretend that I could possibly make another person understand what's going on in my head. At any moment. Even the simplest times. The internal monologue is

Very. Fucking. Loud.

How do you translate hollering to a layperson?

Still she is sweet, with a soft pretty face and just enough emotion for my soul to appreciate the co-pay.

Reminder: decide what you want, then decide you don't want anything else more.

I want to warn her, ask her if she'd rather be mini golfing instead? I know I would.

Instead though. I talk. She listens. Nodding and empathy. Amazing amounts of it. I shake it all off when time is up and pay the tab on my way out.

I wish I could tip her.

It's all about appearances.

Reminder: tip like a baller and your cup will runneth over.

I'm paying the piper now. My perfect match is lost, I tricked it off.

I've got myself, little Remi and about 3 months worth of back to back bootleg movies and television shows.

I'll be alright. It stings a bit, though.


Times like this separate the women from the girls, ya?


Bradstreet. I truly swoon.